This is me. I suck at selfies.


On March 20th, as it is the first day of spring, I am going to shave this beard. But! Between March 1st and March 20th, I have decided that I am going to allow someone else to decide the fate of my facial hair.

That someone…might be you. Yes! You. Winner of the 2006 Time Person of the Year. But! In order for it to be YOU, you need to win…the contest.

Announcing! The first annual (maybe, if it works) Sean Abbott Charity Bearded Face Auction!

The concept is simple. Donate to a charity in my name. If you donate more than anyone else, you get to pick what happens to my facial hair between March 1st and March 20th. I will have a professional shave me to your specifications, and I will post weekly-ish updates to verify that I am following your desires.

Now, since I’m hoping to get a fair bit of participation, it is my face, and I’d like to enjoy this enough to actually make it annual, here’s a few rules. I will try VERY hard not to change these too much, but it’s possible that I’ll need to make an update or two. I promise the updates will not change the determination of the winner.

So here are the instructions:

  1. Donate to a charity in my name. (Sean Abbott)
    • You’ll receive a 5% bonus to the amount if you donate to the EFF
    • You’ll receive a 15% bonus if you donate to SMLX Good (This is a charity run by a friend of mine and they’re doing good work.)
    • I reserve the right to penalize your submission by up to 50% if it’s asymmetrical. I’ll try to be brave, but I really don’t want to hate myself for a month.
  2. Pick a picture, or fill out this handy base image with the beard you want. Find a way to communicate what your beard idea is, is what I’m saying. Be creative, that’s fine. If you win, I’ll make sure you get what you want by talking to you.
  3. Send me the donation receipt. username is seanscharitybeard. Email service is put an ‘@’ between the two and it’ll be fine. It needs to be in my name or have a note so I know you donated for this contest. Let me know what name you’d like me to post about you as (can be anonymous, that’s fine) so I can try and get a little competition going on.
  4. If you donate more than anyone else (after modifications), you win! I will have a professional shave your desired beard onto my face.

A few restrictions, caveates and notes.

  1. No hitler mustaches. In todays political climate, I don’t want some antifa that I normally would agree with to punch me in the face. That won’t be fun or funny.
  2. Please donate to organizations that I will mostly agree with. You can hit me up if you’re curious, but a good rule of thumb is “liberal”. If you donate to focus on the family, Imma ignore you.
  3. See the bullet points for Rule 1.

I’ll be updating this post with lists of who donated and what their style recommendations are. And possibly, if I get interest and questions, with an FAQ or something.

Here’s a few ideas to let you you know about the possibilities:

Here’s a couple with a “horseshoe” mustache and mutton chops:



Here’s one with just the chops:


And here’s another mustachey thing I did when shaving a beard one time:


I can probably come up with more examples if ya’ll need. Have at it! And THANK YOU! in advance. :-)


  1. Why are you giving extra to a favorite charity of yours?

    Well. It’s my face, and I know exactly how good a person Elly (who runs SMLX Good) is, and how much good she’s doing, and how hard she works. So…that’s why. My intention was to help raise awareness for someone very good with my face. If that bothers you so much that you don’t want to donate I guess I don’t really understand, and I wish you didn’t feel that way, but such is life.

  2. When do we have to have donated by?

    Donations need to be in and sent to me by March 1st. The contest ends on March 1st. I will be scheduliing a beard shaving on March 1st.

  3. What if I make multiple donations?

    I will aggregate all donations from an individual into a single pool.

  4. How much are you expecting people to donate?

    I’m hoping for coffee amounts here, folks. I had one person who didn’t because she thought I was looking for like..$50. No no no…I’m hoping to get to like $100 total. PLEASE don’t let the thought that this is high-roller stop you from donating.

  5. How do I submit again?

    Forward your donation receipt to

UPDATE 1: 17 February 2017

In addition to the FAQ above, we’ve had our first donor! See the list below!

UPDATE 2: 22 February 2017

GUYS! We’ve hit 6 donors! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Keep ‘em coming! You’ve got ‘til midnight on 28 February! Yay! We’ve also had our first person playing “price is right” style bidding. :-)


Donor Name Donation to Date
Dana SMLX Good 16 Feb
Diana SMLX Good 21 Feb
Alex EFF 21 Feb
Tamar Healthy Families America 21 Feb
“President Snow” SMLX Good 22 Feb
Pete SMLX Good 22 Feb

I decided to go ahead and get an EZPass for my car.

This is something of a new idea for me. I have avoided getting one because of ways in which being tracked by lots of databases and cross-correlating them is…bad. I have my own personal list of things that I know could go wrong1. But, now they’re taking pictures of your license every time you drive through and stuffing it in the same database, so, I’m damned coming and going. Might as well get the cheaper tolls.

So I went to sign up on the website. I go to put my car in. It says someone else is using it, please call the phone line (877-627-7745). I call the phone. It’s ALL automated, and says to please use the website.


Anyway, so back to the website. Go to their help section, go the chat section. Chat with their rep. They tell me…they don’t have access to the database and I have to call the phone line. BUT! I asked. There IS an operator! You just have to hit a hidden option to get to them! (It’s 9, in case you’re curious. The number to access the ezpass ma operator, on their phone screen is 9. Feel free to tell me more ways to SEO that so people can find it.)

Turns out, my partner who frequently borrows my car had added it to her account. So now we’re all good. But this did turn what should’ve been a 10 minute experience into a 30 minute experience.

  1. So my personal reasons for not liking lots of data correlation are because it leaves way to much room for power hungry individuals to do bad things. For instance, any woman who dates someone who is either in law enforcement, knows someone in law enforcement, or works for any contracting company that works with law enforcement could easily be tracked and hurt by a stalker with easy access to those databases. We can claim that this doesn’t happen, but stories from the tsa to this big ap report no one noticed mean that obviously we do not and will never do a good enough job. [return]

I’ve switched my blog to hugo and pretty gotten rid of a bunch of stuff that I hadn’t really worked on or tracked in something akin to forever.

I’ve got some plans for continuing to do this, but I’m hoping that having the blog accessible from the same interface that I tend to do most of my work, in a format that is familiar and, again, where I tend to work, will hopefully make me post more often.

I have some stretch goals (read: shit that probably won’t happen) that include things like cross posting to twitter and facebook and fetching the comments with some regularity.

So…we’ll see how that goes. :-)

A coworker posted something in our “random” chat room today about Disney making a movie titled “The BFG”. Given my knowledge and phrasing of that, I was like..whhhaaaa…don’t they know what that means?

They DO. And it means something different than what I think it means. For, apparently, more people than it means what I think it means.

Here’s a google ngram of “bfg”. You can see it spike hard for the original usage, and then spike again, but lower, for the usage that I’m thinking of.

BFG ngram

Now, here’s the ngram of the phrase that made me surprised that Disney would title a movie thusly:

big fucking ngram

Which is really more what I expected to see the first time.


(For those not in the know, BFG)

i'm the problem, apparently

This meme appeared on a friend’s wall on facebook. Discussion follows:

qkslvrwolf You remember the term force multiplier? Also, this is doubly stupid. The most godless societies on the planet have the lowest murder rates. There is literally not one part of this that isn’t stupid. Like · Reply · Yesterday at 7:43am Friend It rang true to me. You can substitute something else for “Godless” and it may make more sense to you Sean. The main point is that people with the intent to kill someone will find a way. And guns aren’t the problem. They don’t shoot themselves. Like · Reply · 14 hrs qkslvrwolf replied · 2 Replies · 10 hrs qkslvrwolf As for “people with the intent to kill someone will find a way”, you realize that guns kill as many people as cars, but A) 95% of the country owns car (, but only 32% own guns (…See More Like · Reply · 10 hrs qkslvrwolf (you see what I’m doing here, by the way? I’m actually finding out what happens in the real world, rather than just imagining what I want to be true) Like · Reply · 10 hrs qkslvrwolf “That’s where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say “I did look it up, and that’s not true.” That’s ‘cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that’s how our nervous system works.” - Stephen Colbert Like · Reply · 10 hrs Friend I didn’t make the poster, so I can’t speak for the originator, by my take was that mass murder (not just mass murder, but specifically) is evil. I would also assert that mass murders are less common than either gun violence or car accidents. Like · Reply · 10 hrs qkslvrwolf replied · 3 Replies · 9 hrs qkslvrwolf Please tell me how this would’ve happened without the semi-auto handgun, which is purpose built for killing people: Virginia television station WDBJ employees killed in shooting during live… CBSNEWS.COM Like · Reply · Remove Preview · 8 hrs Robert Rodriguez Rebuttals to anti-gun rhetoric: Debunking the most common seven lies COMMDIGINEWS.COM|BY ERIC GOLUB Like · Reply · 8 hrs Hide 38 Replies qkslvrwolf Since I had the first citations up, maybe you could address those and prove you read them, rather than asking me to do all the reading? Like · 7 hrs Robert Rodriguez I have read them brother. All of them. Like · 6 hrs Robert Rodriguez The rebuttal is my proof that I’ve read your citations. Like · 6 hrs qkslvrwolf Dropping a random link isn’t proof, in this case, since you’re not actually saying anything. Like · 6 hrs Robert Rodriguez It’s not random. It addresses all of your prior citations. It is completely valid in your debate. It holds relevance on the subject matter. The only reason I’d rather not use my own words is because I’m using your same tactics and maybe I am in agreement with the writers eloquence. Like · 6 hrs qkslvrwolf No, if you were using my tactics you would make an argument and support it with citations to data, not just drop an opinion piece by some random schlub named golub. Like · 5 hrs Robert Rodriguez Yes. I’ve made my debate. I’ve rebutted your argument and all your links which you call citations and data that are erroneous. Now your making inappropriate comments using name calling at people you do not know (schlub). Now that’s very mature. Go back and read the last couple paragraphs of the article. Then reply. Like · 1 hr Robert Rodriguez Go ask your grandparents and parents how they feel about giving the government control of your right to bear arms and defend yourself and family. Like · 1 hr Robert Rodriguez Why don’t you ask this mother how she feels about gun control. Teen Mom Kills Intruder After 911 Call ABCNEWS.GO.COM|BY ABC NEWS Like · 1 · 1 hr Robert Rodriguez “The laws that forbid the carrying of arms are laws of such a nature. They disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes…. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to …See More Like · 1 hr Robert Rodriguez “They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” - Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759 Like · 1 hr Robert Rodriguez “To disarm the people…[i]s the most effectual way to enslave them.” - George Mason, referencing advice given to the British Parliament by Pennsylvania governor Sir William Keith, The Debates in the Several State Conventions on the Adooption of the Federal Constitution, June 14, 1788 Like · 1 hr Robert Rodriguez Foolish liberals who are trying to read the Second Amendment out of the Constitution by claiming it’s not an individual right or that it’s too much of a public safety hazard, don’t see the danger in the big picture. They’re courting disaster by encouraging others to use the same means to eliminate portions of the Constitution theydon’t like. Alan M. Dershowitz Like · 1 hr qkslvrwolf How hard is it to actually address, directly, anything I’ve said? Since Friend declined to, how about you actually join me in the intellectual exercise of actually making a hypthesis and testing it, instead of mindlessly repeating the platitudes fed t…See More Like · 1 hr qkslvrwolf You haven’t rebutted anything. You apparently don’t even know what rebut means. If you want to “rebut” something, you have to say “this statement, ‘thing that you said’, is wrong because x. You didn’t. You just said, “here, her’s a thing I read that the nra sent me. I win! Nyah nyah nyah!” It’s like you’re six. Like · 57 mins qkslvrwolf Except I doubt you read that well. Like · 57 mins qkslvrwolf We’re not talking about GUN CONTROL, you dumbass. We’re talking about the statement “the problems isn’t guns, it’s a godless society”. Christ on a cracker how hard is it to stay on topic? Like · 56 mins qkslvrwolf Oh, look, I found the web page you’re copying and pasting from. How original. Ignorant asshat. Gun Quotations of the Founding Fathers | Buckeye Firearms… BUCKEYEFIREARMS.ORG Like · Remove Preview · 50 mins qkslvrwolf And you can’t even find people that know how to get their shit right in the first place. There must be some sort of natural law that gun nuts can’t understand context. It’s like not being able to fathom that an onion tastes different if it’s in a stew than it does if it you eat it raw. Like · 47 mins qkslvrwolf Guns and False Quotes | Musings Guns and False Quotes Leave a reply “False is the idea of utility that sacrifices a thousand real advantages for one imaginary or trifling inconvenience; that would take fire from men because it burns, and water because one may drown in it; that has no remedy for evils, except destruction. The laws… MIXERMUSE.COM Like · Remove Preview · 47 mins Friend You changed the topic to gun control hours ago Sean. And I was busy at work earlier but don’t want to get involved now because it’s a) far beyond MY expertise, and I can only offer my opinion. Which is thus: I do believe that some gun control is a good…See More Like · 1 · 36 mins Friend Not guns. It was kinda ironic/surprising to think of it that way. At least for me. But I do believe in the right to bear arms. I think that if firearms were all in the hands of the militia, the criminals, and the military/police, in other words the government, there is more room for abuse of power, like in tyrannies. Like · 1 · 32 mins · Edited qkslvrwolf Please quote where you think I changed it to gun control. I’d like you to find what statement you think I made that was about gun control. I asked you to state a hypothesis. Like · 32 mins Robert Rodriguez I apologize qkslvrwolf. You reminded me of the Scripture that references to individuals like you. Proverbs 26 Wise Sayings About Fools 26 Just as snow should not fall in summer, nor rain at harvest time, so people should not honor a fool. 2 Don’t worry when someone curses you for no reason. Nothing bad will happen. Such words are like birds that fly past and never stop. 3 You have to whip a horse, you have to put a bridle on a mule, and you have to beat a fool. 4-5 There is no good way to answer fools when they say something stupid. If you answer them, then you, too, will look like a fool. If you don’t answer them, they will think they are smart. 6 Never let a fool carry your message. If you do, it will be like cutting off your own feet. You are only asking for trouble. 7 A fool trying to say something wise is like a crippled person trying to walk. 8 Showing honor to a fool is as bad as tying a rock in a sling. 9 A fool trying to say something wise is like a drunk trying to pick a thorn out of his hand. 10 Hiring a fool or a stranger who is just passing by is dangerous—you don’t know who might get hurt. 11 Like a dog that returns to its vomit, a fool does the same foolish things again and again. 12 People who think they are wise when they are not are worse than fools.” Like · 27 mins Friend The funniest thing to me, about this entire argument, is how derailed and antagonistic it got. Funny-sad. I mean, why ask someone to “prove” they read something you posted? That is insulting. I don’t think anyone needs to dictate how someone else must respond back. This isn’t a formal debate. There are good points on both sides, but so much citation that I don’t know what’s being argued anymore. Like · 25 mins qkslvrwolf NO! That’s not true! You can do MUCH MORE than “offer your opinion! You can actual take a guess about what is happening in the real, and then you can go find out if it IS happening in the real world! I’m not opining on anything. I’m trying to get…See More Australia’s 1996 gun law reforms: faster falls in firearm deaths,… INJURYPREVENTION.BMJ.COM Like · Remove Preview · 24 mins Robert Rodriguez I shall refrain from arguing with a fool. I’d rather debate not argue. Clearly since you made it personal and choose to be immature “like the six year old” you mentioned. I’ll be the wise one and take the high road. Like · 23 mins · Edited qkslvrwolf “People are the danger, not the weapons used”. Again. Untested hypothesis. We can break that down and fact check it . If you would like to actually, y’know, reason about things rather than faith them. Like · 23 mins qkslvrwolf have you ever heard of world war 1? Just curious. Like · 22 mins qkslvrwolf Besides, again, context. Wars and despots really don’t have anything to do with murders at these scales. They’re two completely separate issues. Like · 22 mins qkslvrwolf Oh, yeah, i forgot to make the following prediction, thanks for reminding me. Here’s the 2 possible outcomes of this little facebook chat: 1) Robert flees like the intellectual coward he is from an opinion that makes him uncomfortable, because it doe…See More Like · 17 mins qkslvrwolf This is all the logical result of them not shutting off treason daily… I mean fox news on base. I KNEW I should’ve written congress instead of the base commander to get that shit shut off. Like · 16 mins qkslvrwolf I’d say you’re probably “braver” when you’re fondling your weapon, but it still wouldn’t be true; that’s physical “courage”, not moral or intellectual courage. Like · 13 mins qkslvrwolf Friend, re: “s how derailed and antagonistic it got.” That’s what happens when people don’t know how to have an intellectually honest conversation. If there are “good points” on “both sides”, then MAKE THEM. Just having an opinion does not make a “good point”. There are not “two sides” in this discussion. And yes, there are well known requirements for having an actual USEFUL conversation. Unfortunately, they are poorly known in non academic, non liberal-arts circles, because most people think two people screaming at each other on TV actually represents a debate. It doesn’t. if you want to have a productive conversation, there are a few good ways to do it. Pretty much everything else is worthless, other than to expose circle-jerking loudmouths (hint hint, robert!) Like · 9 mins qkslvrwolf The reason it’s happening so fast is because certain people aren’t actually reading and responding to the actual data. If they were, the cycle would be slower. Like · 8 mins qkslvrwolf Oh, wow, I’d also missed the Jesus’/barney happy hour quote. {rolls eys}. Coward. Like · 8 mins qkslvrwolf “Not guns. It was kinda ironic/surprising to think of it that way. At least for me. But I do believe in the right to bear arms. I think that if firearms were all in the hands of the militia, the criminals, and the military/police, in other words the government, there is more room for abuse of power, like in tyrannies” This leads to a few questions: 1) Do you still get paid by the government? Do you really think everyone you worked with is equitable with criminals and militia? That’s a) insulting to a lot of good people and b) sounds pretty seditious to me. 2) untested hypothesis 3) incorrect context. Like · 4 mins qkslvrwolf Hey, Robert, maybe if you tried reading more than one novel (and yes, I’m referring to the bible), you’d have a mind open enough to try and actually talk about things. Friend Pretty sure this discussion is over. I’m disappointed by the insults and name calling 😐 Like · 1 hr

qksvlrwolf I”m disappointed by the utter lack of content and reason presented. Like · 1 hr

Robert Rodriguez Hey qksvlrwolf. Learn this word. Humility. And this one. Respect. You are very poor in these areas. I’ll pray for you brother. Jesus loves you and so do I. Like · 25 mins

qksvlrwolf Respect is earned, and humbleness is apparent to equals.

I dearly hope you have a chance to learn. Like · 23 mins

qksvlrwolf Odin would play you, Loki would mock you. Zeus would sleep with your wife. Buddha would enlighten you. I have no clues about Mohammad. Like · 21 mins

qksvlrwolf But the Flying Spaghetti Monster would touch you with his noodly appendage, and maybe help you learn reason.

Analysis via comment later.